


Matchmaker Hulk

by snack_size



Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Avengers Do NaNoWriMo, Gen, Hulk Can Smell Virgin, Hulk Doesn't Care Who Tops, Hulk Might Be a BNF, Hulk Ships Steve and Thor, Id Fic, M/M, Perceptive Hulk, Steve and Thor Have a Tumblr Fandom, pure unadulterated crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-27
Updated: 2012-11-27
Packaged: 2017-11-19 16:45:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/575424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snack_size/pseuds/snack_size
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"NO FUN SMASHING ANYMORE," Hulk said.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Oh, that's just what we need," Natasha added in. "An existential crisis."</i>
</p><p> <i>"FIGHT GO BETTER WITHOUT SEXUAL TENSION." </i></p><p>Hulk gets frustrated when sexual tension in the battlefield gets in the way of smashing, so he reveals he's the only one on the team who realized Steve and Thor liked each other. This leads to him writing RPF fanfic with the aid of Clint and coaxing the rest of the Avengers into doing NaNoWriMo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Matchmaker Hulk

**Author's Note:**

> This all started with a prompt on the Avengers kink meme for perceptive Hulk who refuses to fight because of too much sexual tension. Another prompt called for more fic written by Hulk, in Hulk, and it seemed to be a logical extension of the first that Hulk would write RPF fanfic about Steve and Thor - with Clint's help, since Hulk's keyboard was not properly sized. Then there was a prompt for the Avengers doing NaNoWriMo, and...
> 
> I apologize for nothing - this is complete and utter crack!fic, written in between long papers and long fanfic and it just happened, sort of organically.

"Hulk, buddy? Big Green? Are you going to throw that car at the squid-thing?" Tony asked. Hulk had picked up the car and then stopped when Steve and Thor had begun to argue about something - they seemed to have some sort of alpha male leadership conflict every battle, recently, so Tony had stopped really paying attention.

"NO."

"OK," Tony said, flying in a little closer and blasting the squid-thing in question, so it didn't get too close to Clint's perch. "Why not?"

"HULK PROTESTING." 

Tony pressed his lips together and flew so he could look at the Hulk's face. Now this - this was interesting. Much more so than generic evil scientist of the week and his mutated, amphibious giant squid monsters. Tony had never thought he would long for one of Loki's overly complex, monologue-mandating schemes, but the monsters of the week were getting old. Not to mention that the squids, like their predecessors, weren't any real challenge, and, arguably, the military and their tanks could probably deal with them. Tony was beginning to think the Avengers got called in because no one else wanted to deal with the mess, and, in this instance, inability to eat calamari again. 

"Why?" Hulk creased his eyebrows together and huffed, and then pointed at Steve and Thor, apparently still squabbling as they fought, ass cheek to ass cheek. "Right, I know, I hate it when mom and dad fight, too-"

"NO. STUPID METAL MAN," Hulk said, and, to emphasize his protest, he sat down.

"Wait, is he really...is Hulk on strike?" Clint asked, through the comm.

"It would appear so," Tony said. "Though he said protesting." 

"Can you let him know that this is not really a luxury we have right now, Iron Man?" Steve asked.

"I do not know about you, Captain, but I am at least confident that Mjolnir and I can vanquish this foe." Hulk rolled his eyes - well, that confirmed he had better hearing than most people, at least.

"If that's not it, Big Green, then what is it?" Tony asked.

"NO FUN SMASHING ANYMORE," Hulk said.

"Oh, that's just what we need," Natasha added, from her position at Tony’s left, where she had been keenly multi-tasking - listening and firing her guns. "An existential crisis."

"FIGHT GO BETTER WITHOUT SEXUAL TENSION." 

"Of course it - wait, what?" Tony asked.

"ALL OF YOU DON'T SEE? STUPIDER THAN HULK THOUGHT," Hulk said.

"What is he saying?" Clint asked.

"Maybe, instead of worrying about that, Hawkeye-"

Steve interjected.

"Wow, what crawled up your ass and died? Looks like you've got everything handled down there," Clint replied.

“Apparently sexual tension is taking the joy out of Hulk’s smashing,” Tony told Clint.

“Wait, what?”

"What I said." Tony fiddled with the comm settings so that Clint would be able to hear what the Other Guy was saying.

“STUPID GOD SHOULD GO FUCK CAPTAIN ALREADY,” Hulk said. 

“Oh, man, good luck explaining how that’s not the problem at all,” Clint said.

“Look, Hulk, not to-”

“STUPID GOD!” Hulk roared, and Thor turned. Hulk lumbered towards him, with Tony and Natasha trailing behind. “GO FUCK CAPTAIN ALREADY.” He paused, then pointed at Steve. “OR YOU GO FUCK STUPID GOD ALREADY. HULK NOT CARE WHO TOPS.” 

Tony was about to laugh until he realized that both Steve and Thor had turned red - differing shades of red, with Steve closer to a tomato and Thor more of a hint of pink, but red nevertheless.

Then he howled with laughter. “Oh, wait, seriously?” Clint asked. “Really?” 

“I - look, Hulk, I appreciate the sentiment, but-”

“HULK NOT SMASH UNTIL FUCK. TIRED OF STUPID.” 

“As hilarious as this is, I would like to not be the only one bothering with these...things right now,” Natasha said.

Steve glanced at Thor, who grinned and shrugged his shoulders. “Well, here’s the thing,” Steve said, sort of stammering, “Not really convenient, right now, since there’s still-”

Hulk narrowed his eyes. “FINE. HULK SMASH, THEN FUCK. IF NOT, HULK SMASH YOU TOGETHER.” 

“Then would all three of you fuck?” Tony asked, because...inquiring minds. 

“NO,” Hulk said. “HULK NOT LIKE BLONDES.” 

“That,” said Clint, “is very good to know.”

“Great, glad we’ve settled that!” Steve said. “Right? Settled. Great. Hulk...smash?” 

Hulk grinned at him and picked up a chunk of building that had fallen at some point during their battle and hurled it at a squid-thing. Tony hovered, for a minute, hoping for more, and then flew up and over to the squid that had broke out of the perimeter while they resolved the Hulk’s little labor dispute. It wasn’t until Clint stopped laughing that it occurred to Tony that Hulk had been right - and how was it that he was the only one that had picked up on what was going on between Thor and Steve? What else did he know that the rest of them didn’t?


	2. Hulk Write Smut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics = Hulk Writing.

Clint wished he had made a bet with Tony when he had wandered into the Hulk Proof Room - really, more of a Hulk Habitat, Tony had a tendency to downsize everything in the Tower - and found the Hulk using the Internet on a very large screen.

“You really think that’s a good idea?” he asked Tony.

Tony had shrugged. “It’s fine - he just looks at Lolcats and gif sets on Tumblr.” 

And on top of that, what he was about to do wouldn’t even make for a good _I told you so_ since Tony would find it far too amusing. 

Bruce was in the practice, now, of the letting the Other Guy out to play at least once a week, and the Hulk Habitat had plenty of things to keep him busy. Clint hadn’t been surprised when JARVIS relayed that Hulk had asked for him - it got pretty boring playing by yourself, sometimes, and Clint was never going to say no to an afternoon in the ball pit. 

He was surprised to find Hulk sitting in front of his computer screen. 

“HULK FINGERS TOO BIG FOR KEYBOARD.” He said, and gestured at the keyboard for emphasis - and, really, Stark? Hulk sized monitor and mouse, but not keyboard? “TINY ARCHER HELP. HULK DICTATE.”

“Yeah, I can see how that’s a problem. What do you need, Big Green?” Clint asked, settling himself in front of the computer. It was open to an innocuous looking Internet message box, which, fantastic. Hulk was made to be an Internet troll. Also - should they be worried he knew words like dictate?

“HULK FIND NAME FOR FEELINGS,” he said, sitting down next to Clint. “HULK SHIP CAPTAIN AND STUPID GOD.” 

Clint glanced up and pursed his lips - he hadn’t noticed that Hulk was responding to a gif of Steve and Thor, fighting the squid-things ass cheek to ass cheek. It had to have been taken before he staged his protest/intervention and got the two to...fuck. Presumably. Clint wasn’t going to ask, and there hadn’t been any of the threatened smashing that Hulk had presented as consequence for the two not getting over their sexual tension, so...

“So, more than just noticing the two wanted each other...you think they’re cute?” Clint asked. Just to be sure. Hulk grunted, and Clint grinned. “OK then. So, what do you want me to type?”

“HULK WRITE SMUT.”

Clint squeezed his eyes together in an effort to stop himself from bursting out laughing. If only Natasha were here for this. “Yeah?” He managed.

“HULK HAVE NO SHAME.” 

“Neither do I.” Hulk grinned at him. 

“STUPID GOD-”

“Not to argue, uh, but maybe, given that we’re shipping them, we should use a nicer name?” 

_Thunder God grab Captain and pull him around. “We have smashed many enemies,” Thunder God said. “And you smash in very tight pants.”_

_“Important to avoid getting caught on something,” Captain replied._

“Steve would say something like that,” Clint said. 

“INTERRUPTING WRITER AT WORK,” Hulk said. 

“Sorry,” Clint said, and Hulk grunted again.

_“I like tight pants,” Thunder God said, and touched them. “But maybe like them better off.”_

_Captain agree. Pants too constricting when around Thunder God._

Hulk would know, Clint thought, and was once again concerned for the implications of that.

_Thunder God pick up Captain and spread him on bed. Thunder God took off own pants. “Here is my other hammer!”_

Nothing could stop Clint from bursting into laughter at that. Hulk glared at him. “No, no, it’s good!” Clint said. “Very in character.”

“THAT WHY HULK CALL HIM STUPID GOD,” Hulk said. Clint decided not to interrogate how Hulk could hold this viewpoint and still ship Thor with Steve. He scooted back to the keyboard.

_Captain blush, mostly at bad pun. Still appreciate naked Thunder God. Captain pull him down onto bed._  
Hulk paused, then. “What about...Hammer God rub little hammer against Captain?” Clint suggested.

Hulk grumbled. “HULK TRY TO KEEP TASTEFUL. END WITH CUDDLES.”

“Right, of course,” Clint said. He knew more than he should about fans on the Internet and that led him to be very careful not to look at anything having to do with the Avengers. Still, he could imagine that Steve/Thor porn was probably very cute. 

_Thunder God straddle Captain. “Have waited long time for this,” Captain said. Thunder God kiss. Beard scratchy but Captain still like._

As Clint typed, it occurred to him that this meant that Hulk knew about sex. Even if it was just from reading porn on the Internet, this concerned him. It would also make his next conversation with Bruce really, really awesome.

_Captain pull closer. Need to feel hard muscles and hard-_

“WHAT GOOD WORD?

“This is why I suggested little hammer,” Clint said.

“TINY ARCHER BAD INFLUENCE,” Hulk said - almost sighing. “ALSO RUIN STYLE.”

“I’ll keep quiet,” Clint said. “I think most people use cock.” 

Hulk narrowed his eyes at him, then grinned. Clint really hoped that, as they continued to compose their pwp, Hulk forgot that he needed to ask Clint who he shipped and from what canon. Not that it would do any good - Clint seriously doubted Hulk had watched Lord of the Rings or Highlander, though, knowing Bruce, who knew?

_-Thunder God hard cock. “Want fuck,” Captain said. “But first time.”_

Confirmation, as far as Clint was concerned, that Steve was, in fact, a virgin. 

_“Very gentle,” Thunder God said. “Make feel good.”_

_Captain smile. Grind hips into Thunder God. “Do know some things. Things with mouth.”_

_“Good,” Thunder God said. “Have such soft mouth.”  
_

In order to preserve his mental health, Clint blocked out his role in the next ten paragraphs.

_Captain snuggle Thunder God. Stroke Thunder God soft hair. “Very good with fuck,” Captain said._

_“For you always,” Thunder God said._

Aww, Clint thought, and Hulk smiled at him.

“END,” Hulk said, and before Clint could properly think about what was about to be unleashed on the world, Hulk grabbed the mouse and clicked Post. 

“You’re posting anonymous,” Clint said. “Don’t you want to make a user name?” 

“WHAT IF NO LIKE SMUT?” Hulk asked. Clint reached over and put a hand on Hulk’s thigh.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “It was excellent.” Hulk furrowed his brow, huffed, and then padded off to the corner where there was a bundle of blankets. He usually used these for naps, or would curl up into them-

Clint instinctively looked away, out of respect for Bruce. Tony had built a cubby-hole with spare pants next to the Hulk’s nest, and Clint waited until it sounded as though Bruce had clothed himself to look over. “Hey,” he said.

“What are...were you helping him on the computer?” Bruce asked, shaking his head and running his hands through his hair. “I told Tony I didn’t think-”

“Yeah, me too,” Clint said. “But we just wrote some RPS fan fic, so no big deal.” 

“Ha,” Bruce replied, and Clint was about to tell him that he was telling the truth, but then decided to wait for it - timing was, after all, the hardest part of comedy, but if you nailed it... 

Later that day, as they all spread across the couches of the lounge for movie night - again, an area the size of the largest apartment Clint had ever had - Tony glanced over at Clint at shook his head, his expression admiring. Clint shrugged his shoulders. He had just been the stenographer. “So,” Tony said, “I thought we should branch out into other artistic mediums, at least every other Thursday.” 

“If this is karaoke, I’m leaving,” Bruce said.

“No, no, JARVIS wants to hold a reading for us of something he found on the Internet today,” Tony said, and before Steve could articulate his protest the disarmingly cool voice of JARVIS began to read the Hulk’s opus.

Bruce put his head on the coffee table and covered it with his hands between the first and second sentence. Natasha leaned back, amused, a smile stretching across her face. Tony managed to hold it together until the the first mention of Thunder God’s Mighty Hammer - Clint finally convinced Hulk that readers liked a little variety with their penis names - and then he had to lay onto his side on the couch to keep his laughter from drowning out JARVIS.

Steve looked, at first, concerned, and then like he wanted to curl up into the tiniest ball he could form in a corner so no one would notice him. Thor, of course, seemed to enjoy it. 

“Very funny,” Bruce muttered at the end. “Seems like they have his voice down-”

“Oh, I doubt it was some kind of a joke,” Tony said. “JARVIS indicates it was written when you let the Other Guy out this afternoon.” Bruce and Steve looked over at Clint - and, seriously, why was he the one getting blamed?

“Oh, come on,” Clint said, “Like any of you would try and refuse Hulk if he asked you to type out his smut.”

“He asked you?” Steve said.

“His fingers were too big for the keyboard,” Clint replied, and crossed his arms.

“Am I the only one concerned with Hulk writing things like _hand on hard, beautiful ass?_ or-” Bruce groaned, and Natasha pressed her lips together to stymy her laughter.

“He does seem to have a thing for your ass,” Tony said. Steve grimaced, but Thor wrapped his arm around him and whispered something. Steve blushed. “Care to share with the class?”

“Only that-”

“No,” Steve said, and Thor grinned. “That’s OK.” 

“It’s just,” Natasha continued, “He seems to know a lot about...male on male sex.” 

“Yeah, I had JARVIS look through his browsing history - he’s been reading a lot of slash. And by a lot, I mean-”

“I thought this couldn’t get worse, but-” Bruce said.

At the same time, Clint said, “LolCats and Tumblr, huh?”

“Turns out there is a lot of slash on Tumblr,” Tony said. “And feels. Lots of feels.” 

“Has he got any comments?” Clint asked, and when everyone looked at him, he added, “He posted anon - he was concerned people might not like it.” He watched the subtle change in expression on everyone’s face and was pleased that he had managed a successful redirect.

“Oh, well, we don’t need to worry about that!” Tony said. “It’s got, like, 5,000 or something whatever you get on Tumblrs - hearts, and reblogs, and people talking about how awesome it is and how it sounds like it was written by Hulk...so. Safe there. Maybe it will encourage him!”

“You know what?” Bruce said. “I need to go and drink.” He stood up, glanced around at everyone, and was promptly followed out of the room by Tony, Steve, and Thor.

Natasha sat down next to Clint on the couch and grabbed his arm. “Ow!” he said, as she pinched him.

“Next time Hulk writes porn you better let me in on it too,” she whispered to him. Clint nodded.


	3. NaNoWriMo Avengers

“HULK CALL MEETING,” Hulk said with a huff, sitting Indian style on the floor while the rest of the Avengers took various seats on beanbags in the Hulk habitat, “BECAUSE INTERNET SAY HAVE MORE SUCCESS WITH NANOWRIMO WHEN DO WITH GROUP.”

He growled when his pronouncement was met with a full minute, perhaps more, of silence. Then Tony said, “Sorry, buddy - NaNoWriMo?”

“Oh,” Natasha said. “National Novel Writing Month - it’s November. You write 50,000 words and-” The Avengers stared at her while Hulk pat her head. “What? It’s all over the-”

“I really hope you have a bodice ripper somewhere,” Tony replied. Natasha sighed.

“HULK WANT EVERYONE TO DO,” Hulk said. 

Steve looked down as his face reddened. “So you’re going to write, what, 50,000 words about, um-”

“FANFIC LEAD HULK TO EXPLORE ORIGINAL IDEAS,” Hulk said, rolling his eyes. Steve looked up, relieved. 

“This novel, it’s form is similar to the epic?” Thor asked.

“Sure,” Clint and Tony said at once.

“Do you want Bruce to participate, too?” Tony asked, actually a little tentative - while Hulk’s attitude on Bruce had improved tremendously, it was still tumultuous.

“IF PUNY BANNER THINK HE HAVE GOOD IDEA,” Hulk said, once again rolling his eyes - it made Clint wonder where he had picked that up. 

“So we write and...try to get it published?” Steve asked, worrying his bottom lip slightly.

“Try?” Tony said, “You could describe your daily bowel movements and get a million dollar advance, Cap, any of us could.”

“NOT POINT. WINNING MEANS WRITING ENOUGH,” Hulk said, crossing his arms and glaring at Tony. “ALWAYS HAS TO BE DICK MEASURING CONTEST.” 

Steve laughed. “Oh, wait, so Hulk insights are OK when they’re not about you?” Tony asked.

“I never said they weren’t OK,” Steve replied. “Just...embarrassing?” Hulk huffed.

“Steven means that he prefers for our bedroom exploits to remain intimate, close tales for the two of us to enjoy,” Thor said, and he grinned as he lobbed his arm around Steve and pulled him close into a position that made it look like he was going to give him a noogie. “I accept your challenge, Shield brother!”

“HULK CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT STUPID GOD WRITE,” Hulk said. _Oh, God,_ Clint thought, _now he knows sarcasm._

Thor, apparently, did not, and just grinned back at Hulk. “And I you!” 

“Well, I’m in,” Tony said. Clint nodded, and Natasha had a shark-like grin that made Clint seem uncomfortable.

“Ok, Ok, fine,” Steve said. “But I’m not very good at this...”

“POINT IS TO TRY. CAPTAIN IS GOOD AT THAT.” Hulk smiled at Steve, who still looked slightly aggrieved. 

* * *

“I don’t care if it’s the next _War and Peace_ ,” Bruce said. “I’m not reading it.” 

Natasha snorted as she looked up from the laptop she had been furiously typing on. “More like the next _Ulysses._ ”

* * * 

“Ready?” Clint asked. He and Natasha were seated in opposing couches, both with their newly purchased lap desks centered in their laps, computers at ready.

“I’m always ready, Barton,” Natasha replied. She was the one to do the countdown, and then both of them began to furiously type. They had decided to compete over the course of an hour - and Clint quickly realized that he was in something of a hopeless position as Natasha’s fingers flew across the keys of her Mac. Why had he never picked up on the fact that she was a superior typist? Or just assumed that she was, because she was superior at everything? 

“Damnit!” He said, and highlighted a particularly trite paragraph and deleted it.

“No, no, don’t do that,” Natasha said, and she stopped typing. “You need to keep it. Remember what Hulk said.” 

Clint had to smile - he couldn’t believe that they had got to the point where such a sentence would be uttered, but it was nice. 

* * *

“CUPID HAVE WRITER BLOCK?” Hulk asked, painstakingly typing out his latest chapter on his new Hulk sized keyboard.

“Something like that,” Clint said. “I am just not good with plot.” He sighed.

Hulk pat his head. “WRITE ABOUT WHAT YOU KNOW,” he said. He pointed at the screen and nodded, then gave Clint a grin that was a little worrying.

“Right,” Clint said.

Hulk shook his head. “BAD PUN. CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.”

“No, worse,” Clint said, and Hulk gave him a more friendly grin.

* * *

“It counts,” Tony said. He and Bruce were in the kitchen, Bruce making a curry while Tony drank a beer. 

“Does not,” Bruce said.

“Does too,” Tony argued.

Clint moved to walk out, but Tony caught his eye. “Barton - dictation is allowed, right? Multitasking.” 

“Uh...” Clint glanced at Bruce. “No? Write? Like, physically do it? Verb?” 

“You have been spending too much time with Hulk,” Tony said.

* * *

“GROUP SPIRIT HELP PRODUCTION,” Hulk said, as they all sat in the Hulk habitat, ready for two solid hours of writing.

“Not Bruce’s,” Tony said. Hulk narrowed his eyes at him. “No, it’s a joke, sorry Big Guy. I don’t think Bruce is even-”

“PUNY BANNER TAKE SERIOUSLY,” Hulk said. “TAKE ALL THE THINGS SERIOUSLY.” It occurred to Clint that SHIELD could save a lot of money and effort by just letting them all use Hulk as their therapist rather than the psychologist they were all currently terrorizing in their mandatory biweekly meetings.

“Ready?” Natasha asked, glancing at her watch. Everyone nodded. “Go.” Once again, her fingers began to fly across her keyboard.

“Uh, you’re that girl,” Tony said. Natasha arched an eyebrow but didn’t stop. “The one who, when you get to start the test, starts furiously writing before anyone even has time to pick up their pencil - but it’s OK. That girl never gets the best grade.” Natasha gave Tony a grin, and then went back to focusing on her screen. 

“You appear stumped, friend!” Thor said to Hulk, who was frowning at his own oversized monitor. 

“HULK THINK CHARACTER MOTIVATIONS MIGHT BE TROPE,” he said. 

“Trope?” Steve asked, and the glanced around, wondering if he shouldn’t.

“A device in a story that is widely overused,” Natasha said. “Sort of like you being a virgin in all the fanfic...” 

“Oh, God,” Steve said, and put his head in his hands.

“Steve!” Thor said, clapping him on the back. “There is no need for that! Is it not wondrous that our joining inspires the composition of graphic tellings of our coupling?” 

“ONLY HALF FANDOM,” Hulk said. “LOT OF DRAMA AND WANK.”

“What’s the other half?” Clint asked, while Thor slung an arm around Steve and smiled.

“MORE WANK,” Hulk sighed. “LOTS OF META WHETHER CAPTAIN WITH BEST FRIEND OR LADY.” 

“I can’t-” Steve began.

“BUT NOT BOTHER HULK. KNOW TRUTH.” 

“How?” Tony asked, intrigued.

“SMELL,” Hulk said, and Clint tried to figure out the ramifications of that - virgin detection wasn’t really a needed skill, not really up there with smashing, but still...

Steve shook his head, the look on his face the one he got sometimes when he was debating whether it would have been better if he had been left on ice - last time it had happened was when caught Natasha and Clint watching Top Model. Though, to be fair, he had sat through four episodes just as transfixed as they were.

* * * *

“Fellow writers!” Thor said, walking in to the living room where Steve and Clint were sitting with their laptops. Steve was staring at his screen, looking constipated. Thor walked over and kissed his head.

“Aw,” Clint said.

“Not you too,” Steve said, almost a hiss.

“How goes your storytelling endeavors?” Thor asked, plopping down next to Steve. “Mine is near complete.”

“We still have ten days,” Steve said, widening his eyes.

“Aye, but I found that once I began there was much I had to say,” Thor said, face solemn. “Writing, it seems, is a great unburdening.” 

Clint made a mental note not to read the epic saga of a prince and his wayward brother that Thor appeared to be composing.

* * *

“WHAT IS RESULTS?” Hulk asked, at the end of the month. Steve had purchased a cake, and Clint had got some green balloons to decorate.

“I have completed this challenge and then some, Shield Brother!” Thor said. “It turns out that despite Loki being known as the verbose one, I had much to tell.”

“HAPPY FOR STUPID GOD,” Hulk said, and moved on. Thor still smiled, despite the slight. Thor was like a big, lovable labrador - which made sense, him and Steve, being together, since Steve was basically a golden retriever. This made Clint wonder what he was- “CUPID?”

“Just barely,” he said, and his completion was only do to a lsat minute burst when he found out without it he would be the only one not meet the word count. 

“NOT MATTER,” Hulk said.”PARTICIPATION MOST IMPORTANT. SPIDER?”

“Oh, yes,” Natasha said, glancing up from her piece of cake. Hulk made an exaggerated sniffing sound, and Clint could tell everyone was wondering if he could smell bullshit as well. “But, I, uh, write, in my spare time-”

Clint gave the Hulk an admiring look - well played, he thought.

“Spill it,” Tony said. “Before I make JARVIS do it.”

“I may or may not have some experience with writing longer works,” Natasha said, crossing her arms.

“Oh, come on,” Clint said, “you’re backed into a corner, you’ve got to give out a little more so they back up far enough you can just shoot them.” Steve’s eyes widened.

“So I may or may not have some-” Natasha began.

“I knew it. Bodice rippers, right?” Tony asked.

Natasha scoffed. “Hardly.”

“Though there is always a love triangle,” Clint said. She rolled her eyes. “She writes chick lit,” he said, finally, because Natasha would draw it out all afternoon if she had to. Natasha glared at all of them, daring them to say something. "And it's published."

"It's always good to have an alternate income stream," Natasha said.

Finally, Tony said, “Like about shopping and shoes and rich boyfriends?”

“One of them,” Naasha said.

“Damnit,” said Tony.

“OWE PUNY BANNER $100,” Hulk said with a smirk. “YOU PUBLISH THIS ONE?”

“Oh, still too rough,” Natasha said. “And it’s also a little bit of a departure, since-”

“METAL MAN?” Natasha narrowed her eyes.

“Of course I finished,” Tony said. “What do you take me for?” Hulk gave him a sharklike grin, and Tony held his hands up in acquiescence. “What about Bruce?”

Hulk sighed. “PUNY BANNER HAVE MUCH TO SAY.” He sounded more concerned than he did aggrieved, and before anyone could probe this, Hulk continued. “CAPTAIN?”

“Oh, well, I-” Steve blushed, slightly, and then looked down. “Yeah. Thanks, Hulk. Great exercise.” 

“HULK HAVE LOTS OF GOOD IDEAS,” Hulk said.

“That’s great,” Clint said, and handed Hulk half the cake before he could elaborate - because, while accurate... “Here you go, buddy.”


End file.
